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The Top 8 Mega Man Bosses That Would Kick Your Ass Today

The Top 8 Mega Man Bosses That Would Kick Your Ass Today - Top 8 List

Words By: The Wombat

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With the recent announcement of Mega Man 9 coming to Wiiware, thousands of the Blue Bomber's most loyal subjects rejoiced. When they found out it would take place in all the 8 bit glory of the originals, we lost many of them to a simultaneous head explosion the likes of which the internet hasn't seen since the infamous "Raiden" incident of Ought 1. The survivors picked up the pieces (not literally of course...cause that's really gross), and began to fantasize about the awesomeness of a brand new Rock Man adventure.

I am an admitted Mega Man-aholic, which is a disease I just made up. I fondly remember struggling through the originals on the NES, finding the perfect ways to make it through the increasing complicated stages. I also remember the joy that came from discovering which weapon worked best against which boss, as this was many years before Al Gore would invent the internet and introduce the world to FAQ's.

All this nostalgia led to a great swelling of joy in my soul, however this was quickly replaced by fear....Was I still good enough to save the world from Dr. Wily and his mustache? I have been made weak by mid level checkpoints, infinite respawns, and the other modern gaming pacifiers we so gladly suckle upon (not literally of course....cause that's really gross). That's why as a service to the gaming public, I'm writing this article. To remind my old school (olde schoole?) gaming brethren that despite the fact that you used to regularly pwn Robot Masters before you even knew what that meant, you are old...and slow....and weak.

I'm limiting my list to the first three Mega Man games on the NES, because...well...it's my list and I'm lazy like that. So without further ado...

8. Flash Man (Mega Man 2)
Now I know what you're thinking."How hot would Naomi from MGS4 be if she was a real person?" and probably also "What manner of crack are you smoking?" The answer is, hear me out (and probably pretty damn hot).

Flash man was the easiest of all the Robot Masters from Mega Man 2. You know this, I know this, and even Flash Man in his most vulnerable moments just before he cries himself to sleep knows this. So why is he on this list? The answer is simple, overconfidence on your part.

You're a bad ass right? You used to beat Flash Man in your sleep back in the day. You're arrogant, and that's why you will fail.You'll be to busy thinking about how awesome a new Bushido Blade game would be, and Flash Man will make you his bitch. You've just learned a great lesson in underestimating your opponent, and you've just earned the shame of your loved ones/roommates/pet bird that you got to fill the hole that loneliness has punched in your soul.

Press start to continue, and lets move on.

7. Ice Man (Mega Man 1)
Ice Man finds his way on this list not because of his difficulty in one on one combat. To be honest, you'll probably never even make it to his front door. And the reason is more maddeningly frustrating that any boss battle could ever be. Those G** D*** disappearing blocks.

That's right, all it takes is that signature "shwoooooop" sound that blocks of ice apparently make when they coming screaming in from God knows where to send old school gamers into a rage. I actually had that as my ringtone for a while, until I realized that everytime my phone rang in a Gamestop it cost 7 people their lives...and I just can't have that on my conscience.

This maddening excuse for a platform puzzle resulted in many broken controllers and the closest thing gamers have to post traumatic stress disorder. Just seeing them again will probably render you a quivering mass of worthless. All the while Ice Man will sit in his comfy little igloo, mocking your futile attempts and clubbing baby seals.

I think the start button landed by the bed...push it and let's keep on trucking.

6. Hard Man (Mega Man 3)
If I've learned one thing in my time on this earth, it's that growing old and growing up are two entirely different things. Come on...the guy's name is Hard Man. Hard Man. Do I even have to spell this out.

You'll be too busy making jokes like "I hear that every lady's favorite is a Hard Man" or "Hard Man's power-up probably comes in a little blue pill" or "Ha...his name says Hard", cause let's face it...you're lame like that. Meanwhile, old Hard Man will be pounding you (yeah, I'm lame like that too).

You might be able to fight through that instinct though, you may be able to suppress your desire to make awkward genital jokes long enough to get a few shots in. Then, in your horror, you realize that Hard Man's weapon is called The Hard Knuckle(s), which of course sounds like what you paid an extra 10 spot for the last time you were at that completely legitimate "massage parlor". At that point, just give in to your urges. Just make sure no one else is around when you take this on, cause your jokes aren't funny and it's a very quick way to lose friends.

Poke that start button and let's keep pounding

5. Rock Monster (Mega Man 2)
The Rock Monster is F***ing hard as all F**k. Next.

4. Guts Man (Mega Man 1)
The beginning of this stage has a lot of nostalgia for old school Mega Man fans. It's the first time you get reintroduced to those cool little guys in the construction helmets. It's also the first time (assuming you played this stage before the Ice Man stage) that you will be reminded of what your fist through a wall feels like. The platforming section at the beginning of this level, where the moving platforms you're riding on decide to periodically forget what in the hell a platform is supposed to do in the first place and dump your sorry ass into the awaiting bottomless pit.

"It's fine" you say to yourself (as everyone else left after that awkward Hard Man thing) "I know the pattern, I've got this". No, you don't. You might know the pattern, but your fingers have been weakened by sissified games that allow you to cling to the edge, or double jump, or rewind. Guts Man knows this, and his stage is your penance.

Once you finally get to Guts Man, it's not all fun and games. You see, you are a nerd. And deep within your nerdy mind your memories are plotting your demise. As soon as Guts Man pops on to the screen, his role as perhaps the most iconic boss in Mega Man history takes over. You will start to think about how many other places he shows up. Then you'll start to think about that awful Captain N the Game Master show. Then, you'll think about the Nintendo Cereal. Finally, you'll be working out the design for your own NES controller belt buckle when you realize that old GM just reduced you to some spinning blue balls of energy. But don't blame him, blame your geeky game culture ridden brain.

Cinch up your pants, and hit start on that puppy. We've got work to do.

3. Quick Man (Mega Man 2)
Let's face it. Your reflexes aren't what they used to be. You used to be able to navigate the energy beam section of this stage without even wasting the Time Stop power. But that was then, and your nerves have been dulled by too many cans of Mountain Dew.Your vision has been compromised by years of sitting too close to the television screen. And you swear to God that those things are moving at least 37 times faster than they ever did before.

To make matters worse, once you finally make it to Quick Man you come to a horrifying realization. You need Flash Man's Time Stopper in order to stand a chance against a Robot Master who you swear to the heavens should be called "Quick is the F'ing understatement of the year Man" (although you do admit that's a tad wordy). Seeing how as we've already gone over the fact that your overconfidence kept you from beating Flash Man in the first place, it's pretty clear where this one is going.

Push start, slowly now...don't hurt yourself.

2. Gemini Man (Mega Man 3)
Ok, so at this point...you've probably either started drinking heavily, or you've been systematically banging your head against a wall for 20 minutes in frustration. Either way, there's an astute chance that you're probably seeing double. So what happens when this guy comes flying in and starts duplicating himself all over the place.

Here you are, struggling to kill one of these freaking robots, and this guy comes in and gives you the old Foreigner treatment. Add this to your previously discussed condition, and there's a good chance you'll either get sick or assume you're having some kind of drug related freakout. Either way, it's not looking good.

Push Push Push Start Start Start to to to Continue Continue Continue.

1. Dr Wily (Mega Man 2)
So you finally made your way to the end of Mega Man 2. You've come face to face with Dr. Wily. You even managed to save enough Crash Bombs to do some serious damage (which wasn't difficult, considering you really only need to use them a couple times) and unveil that crazy alien hologram thing as the real final boss. But wait...why can't you kill Crazy Wily Alien. Oh that's right. You need the Bubble Lead. Flashback to when you defeated Bubble Man and said "What the F is this, his weapon lets me shoot F'n bubbles? They should have called him "Lame Ass Man with a Stupid Lame Weapon Thing" (although that also would have been quite wordy, and not very clever).

So what did you do? You wasted them. You wasted them by making Mega Man dance back and forth while he shot them and you sang "Staying Alive". You wasted them by shooting them at regular enemies, shouting "You're getting killed by bubbles bitch...by bubbles!" Lastly, you wasted them by shooting them underwater to "see if they would float and stuff". Now look at you, you are completely helpless against Wily and his mustache. While Bubble Man mocks your impotence to reassure himself.

For the rest of your life, your remaining friends will question your reasoning behind carrying a bottle of bubbles with you where ever you go. Just remember, that you'll be the one laughing when the imminent Holographic Alien Scientists That are Only Immune to Soap Bubbles invasion begins.

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