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The Ten Naughtiest Games of 2008
The Ten Naughtiest Games of 2008 - Special Feature
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Last week we delivered buyer's guides to inform our readers what to get the gamer in their life this holiday season. Today we bring you a list of ten games that should, in no circumstances, be placed under the tree for your joystick junkie. This list of games was actually harder to construct than a list of must-haves for the simple fact that there were a ton of games this year that we should avoid at all costs. Each game represented below is a mockery of why we came to love games in the first place.
National Geographic Panda
For the gamer who loves bears with hats.
The idea behind NGP was a noble one: create a panda-caring simulation that was both fun and educational. This would have worked if you did more than watch the panda eat and sleep. Sure you can pet it and buy new hats for it to wear, but there are only so many hats a man can place on his panda before his brain explodes.
Conflict Denied Ops
For the gamer who wants to pay full price for a half-assed game.
Denied Ops fails on almost every facet of game design. The levels are cliché, the weapon selection flat out sucks and the co-op is hindered by forcing one player to take on the role of a sniper. There are much better shooters on consoles (and cheaper) so choosing to purchase Denied Ops is about as smart as wearing white camouflage in the jungle.
Golden Axe: Beast Rider
For the gamer who likes scantily-clad repetition.
In order to enjoy Beast Rider you must meet the following requirements: have an undying love for brown environments, enjoy fighting the same enemy over and over and of course becoming frustrated every five seconds thanks to glitches and poor design choices. There is not a lot to love about Sega's re-imagining of the series unless polygonal women with terrible dialogue are your aphrodisiac.
 This guy is pissed he didn't buy Rock Band 2.
Rock Revolution
For the gamer that prefers cover bands.
I guess my biggest beef with Rock Revolution is that it will likely fool some unsuspecting parents into purchasing it thinking it is the much more impressive Rock Band. Revolution is chock full of awful cover songs, ridiculous gimmicks to try and spice up gameplay (poison notes are you serious?) and a lack of vocals altogether. Stick with the kings of the genre and don't get fooled by this lackluster imposter.
Target Terror
For the gamer who still has their Sega CD hooked up.
It is hard to believe that we could be talking about an FMV game in the year 2008, but with the Wii anything is possible. Target Terror is a compilation of ten levels that feel like they were designed by the tools you see in those video game school commercials. Nothing about the game works from the horrible acting to the piss-poor controls this package is an abomination in game design. However, this game is so bad it may actually be worth checking out just to watch the train wreck occur, but at $40 I would rather gouge my eyes out and sport two very expensive eye patches instead.
Vampire Rain: Altered Species
For the gamer who revels in the substandard.
The AI is short on the "I", the weapons are useless, the campaign is linear and the opposition will destroy the will to live - that is, of course, if the shoddy graphics, shameful sound and boring gameplay don't get the job done first. Altered Species is a title best left avoided as a plague-like contagion. Unless, of course, you know someone that gets their kicks from inevitable disappointment following a twenty-five minute game install.
 Can we trust our gaming dollars to just anyone? Vote no on issue suck.
Hail to the Chimp
For the gamer who talks politics - and always forgets to vote.
Hail to the Chimp single-handedly makes a case for at least one social ill that can be attributed to gaming: poor voter turnout. A mindless farce, Hail to the Chimp cruises past amusing satire and lands squarely in the decidedly un-funny land of terrible mini-games and rotten controls. Step back and give animal rescue a ring, the animal kingdom has gone the way of bleak, party game democracy and there is no hope for this wilderness republic.
Iron Man
For the gamer in need of another reason to hit the bottle.
An awesomely bad storyline, cut scenes that should have been cut, repetitive gameplay and diabolically re-spawning enemies make for a title sure to land anyone in rehab. Unless you know and care for the most masochistic of gamers, Iron Man is unfit for human consumption. On the upside, not playing this embarrassment to lower game-forms known as movie cash-ins leaves plenty of time to go watch the movie itself.
Wii Music
For the gamer who hates winning - and losing.
Experiential and experimental to a fault, Wii Music is a title that is best described as an anti-game, perfect for the anti-gamer. With no penalty for diversion from the chosen tune and the ability to create a veritable cacophony of bagpipes and dogs barking, Wii Music is sure to torment any properly goal-oriented, natural progression loving gamer.
Sonic Unleashed
For the lycanthrope on your list.
Sonic Unleashed serves up a werehog with stretchy arms and a game that is repetitive to the point of cruelty. Mushy controls and momentum killing tutorials make for some spectacularly dreadful combat to go with the lame, segmented gameplay. Day and night only differ slightly - night is worse - and Unleashed's bipolar gimmick is unfit for those you hold near and dear.
Article Written By: ZeroTolerance and Catastrophe
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