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The Top 8 Game Heroes Made Heroines
A Facetious Look at Pandering to the Female Demographic
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As the female gaming demographic continues to rise it is hard not to be amused by inclusivity efforts - particularly ones that boil down to little more than lame pandering. As a verifiable chick gamer I think I have something to offer on this topic, and am here to make the dreams of any marketing department looking to woo the gaming ladies come true. In apixelated world of over-sized jubblies and remarkably under-dressed female combatants, it is important that the games of today emphasize that the industry really understands women and what we want from games. I think I'm a step ahead of the brain trust on this one; what better way to jump off the Babyz train than by reworking some proven titles for the Cosmo crowd? Below are eight characters from popular gaming franchises primed and ready for a shameless lipstick makeover.
8. Kratos
All it would take is a mighty swipe from the Titans to make this god a goddess, and in exchange for this over-muscled hunk of deified man-flesh gamers get another overtly sexual female form with remarkable bosom and god-like stamina. So it's a bit of a lateral move - baby steps!
7. Professor Layton
It's an equal-opportunity thing. Okay, he's a professor and probably tenured, so while there may be no replacing the Professor there is definitely room in the department of puzzle solving for more than female clerical help.
6. Link
We all know this is a gimme, female cosplayers the world over have shown how it can be done. Link is a rosy-cheeked, skin soft as a baby's bum girly boy and there is no good reason now that he is finally reaching puberty that he shouldn't develop some curves and reveal a secret bigger than Victoria's. Plus, green is so the new pink this year.
5. Pikachu
Sure, fans claim that Ash's Pikachu is a guy, but the whole pikachu species seems pretty gender neutral. The hermaphroditic creature may as well be a girl pikachu. It's really time the crack-cocaine of gaming bridged the gender gap and sparked up some dependency in the gamer girls of the future.
4. Chris Redfield
Add a "tina" to Chris and we could have a Twelfth Night thing going on. Who doesn't love a little sexual ambiguity and sibling confusion in their zombie war? Shakespeare was an Elizabethan p.i.m.p., trust the man and turn this Cesario back into Viola.
3. Master Chief
Sure, it's a Samus move, but behind that mask and form-concealing suit is a sultry lady friend dying to emote. There are female Spartan II's in the books, so what Chief's name was off the roster? A little voice modification and Master Chick isn't out of the question - and it goes a long way in explaining why no love connection has developed between the Chief and Cortana.
2. Female Hero, Fable II
This one had female gamers everywhere wondering, "I thought I was playing as a woman?" That was one beastly chick, and after watching her lumber around Albion like a gypsy heifer for hours on end the Potion of Transmogrification didn't have much transmogrifying to do.
1. Solid Snake
He knows his way around the ladies, is remarkably limber, and has problems with aging. I'm just saying, if Starbuck can get boobies, so can Snake - or at least one of his clones could turn up with lady parts. Just think of it: a cooking mini-game without Sunny and all those Otacon and Snake fanfics would be way less gay.
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