Yes folks, it’s-a-me, Kaiokenattack, with a-nother a-Mario a-Golf a-game on-a-the Nintendo Gamecube. Camelot, the makers of the popular Hot Shots Golf series, return with their golf expertise to dish out the next game in the Mario Golf franchise. Is it a hole-in-one, or is it a triple bogey? Well get ready to pull your clubs out of the garage and dust off your balls cuz it’s time to hit the green once again in Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour!

So How’s it Look?
Admittedly, Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour doesn’t LOOK bad, but it doesn’t look all that great either. The game features some very lovely grass textures
(Ooooohh….GRASS TEXTURES) and it also sports some nice water effects as well. The individual locales are modeled very well and include details like swaying trees and long blades of grass. The player models are modeled fairly well and are hi-poly, but the texturing job is utterly pathetic. One-color textures are no excuse anymore; especially after what the characters looked like in Smash Bros. Melee. C’mon people, get off your lazy ass and start making some good textures, please! Scan some fabric, hair, what-have-you, just give these legendary characters some credit where it’s due!

Give Me Earplugs.
The sound effects and voice samples in Mario Golf are decent. The commentator is also a really nice guy and you don’t really get mad at him when you get a triple bogey—because you know it was your own damn fault. And he’s just a really nice guy. The samples add some dimension to otherwise bland personalities like Peach and Daisy, but don’t really do too much. Mario & Luigi also seem like they’re the only ones enjoying themselves. The taunts in multiplayer are a nice touch—you can really piss off your buddies. However the game’s major downfall on the sound side is the music. It is completely atrocious! It is super-repetitive, and just downright annoying. I was so glad that they gave you the option to turn the music off or I might not have been able to withstand playing the game. Whoever wrote that score needs to be fired or slapped around because there is nothing good about it!

A Sleeper Hit…Because it Makes you Sleep.
Mario Golf is just that. Golf. Golf. Golf. It’s just oodles of fun to play golf! NOT! Golf games have to be the absolutely most boring genre of game there is on the market. Not only is this game extremely boring, but when it actually “picks up the pace” to get a little more exciting, guess what? IT’S STILL BORING. The game is filled to the brim with mediocrity. Sure there are tons of players to choose from, but who the hell would pick over half of them? Why do you want someone who hits the ball at a curve? Ever hear of the phrase, “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.” ? Well I guess these people haven’t. I hope all you golfing buffs email me to tell me how stupid I am because I will laugh in your face and realize that you like GOLF GAMES! Oh it’s so funny to mock this pathetic genre it truly is. I sat down and tried—really, really tried—to get into Mario Golf, but every time it came up short. I went through 5 painstaking courses and every time the game just seemed to get less and less fun. Seriously, do you people think it’s really a good time to sit there and hit a fake ball in a fake hole in a fake place that couldn’t possibly ever exist? Golf games are the worst. I swear.

Ooh Boy, I’m-a-Tired!
Let’s just get right down to it. Mario Golf brings absolutely NOTHING new to the table. The game is just absolutely average in every single way possible. It’s a golf game, to be sure, and those who love golf games will probably love it. The game has a lot of issues that just does not make it the least bit fun. It tries really hard though, don’t get me wrong—the game includes over 10 different game modes including Ring Shot, Coin Shoot, and Speed Golf, but when you play on the same courses over and over it can get old fairly quickly. These extra game modes add some replay value and make the 1P game a little worthwhile, but the real meat of the game is playing it with three of your buddies, kinda like Smash Bros. I wouldn’t even recommend a rental, but if you’re a golfing buff, and you have 3 other buddies that are too, then by all means. Otherwise, stay away—I would rather watch the grass grow…REAL GRASS.